不要「買」她的注意

(作者:David DeAngelo)
我要談的是男人們都在乎的一個問題:給女人買東西。
包括吃的喝的,小禮物,帶她去看電影,等等等等。
問題是:「我該付錢嗎?」
大部分男人將約會時的主動掏錢看成是一種義務。他們彷彿被強迫一般給女人買禮物,送花,帶她出去「讓她開開心」。通常,男人們使用的「標準方式」便是簡單的向女人問一句:「什麼時候一起出去約個會?」
等等,這裡頭到底發生了什麼事?為什麼男人經常給女人買東西?這其中有什麼原因沒有?
如果你足夠靜下心來觀察這些事,你會認識到這些男人們:
1)用吃飯、鮮花、禮物,所有這些投其所好的東西作為誘餌,吸引女人的注意,讓女人花時間和自己在一起。
2)沒有察覺到將女人吸引過來的其實是他們自己。
3)根本不知道這些引誘所產生的實際效果如何。
4)最重要的,不知道除此之外還能做些什麼。
我也曾認為我應該經常約她出去,給她買東西等等,我認為只有這樣才能吸引她的注意力。這樣的感覺實在很糟糕。更糟糕的是在第一次見面時我越是這樣對她們好,她們對我卻越冷淡。她們看起來好像認為我過於努力,以至於她們無法接受。
你呢?
在回答「我該付錢嗎?」這個問題之前,讓我先問你:
為什麼你要付錢?
更確切地說,面對一個你剛認識,幾乎什麼都不瞭解的女人,你為什麼要給她買東西呢?
你也許想從中得到什麼。
要知道,美女的直覺都是很敏感的。她知道你在想什麼。她會從你行為的蛛絲馬跡中判斷你有多喜歡她。她也會判斷你有多少小屁孩的成分。
我有些朋友,他們很有女人緣,他們經常帶女人出去吃飯。一頓飯至少200美元。
我也有些朋友,他們很少同女人一起甚至喝杯咖啡,但他們身邊的女人多的受不了。
這可能嗎?
那些用食物向女人行賄的傢伙們真的成功了嗎?或者這兩種方式都行?
其實,根據多年的研究,我發現一個有趣的現象,就是那些真正很有女人緣的傢伙們都有的共同點:
他們有的給女人買昂貴的東西,而有的什麼都不買。不管買不買,他們都從不將買禮物看成一種「誘餌」、「賄賂」或者「義務」之類的東西。
換句話說,那些隱藏在行為後面的意圖在女人看來是多麼明顯。
My friends that take women on dates to beautiful restaurants would be GOING THERE ANYWAY, and they just happen to be taking the woman along with them.
他們要是開了一瓶很貴的酒,總是會自己喝掉。
我必須指出,我認識的這兩種人,有個共同點,就是他們都清楚吸引是如何產生和運作的,他們明白如何吸引女人,不論是給女人買東西還是不買。
我再說得明白點,當與女人在一起的男人試圖「購買」她的注意力時,她馬上就能意識到這一點。她通常會給出兩種回應:表示難以接受,或者乾脆離開。
不管你怎麼做,不管你怎麼解釋。
你可以說:「你真的很漂亮。」言下之意卻是:「我一點也不感冒。」
你也可以給她買東西,卻不必說:「我給你買東西就是指望你喜歡我。」
搞懂沒?
錢是令很多小伙子感到頭疼的事情。
你不能總是給女人買東西,特別是當你同幾個女人約會時。
不過,好消息是,要搞定女人,你什麼都不必買。
另一個好消息是,有一種方式可以表達你對她的好,卻不必被解讀為:「我不值得和你和我在一起,所以我得掏錢買你的注意力。」
當你請她吃晚飯時,考慮以下兩種方式:
1)「請問這個星期五能否賞臉跟在下共度晚餐?」
2)「我打算星期五到我最喜歡的餐館去打牙祭,你來不來?」
兩者有何不同?
前者擺明了你是要請她吃晚飯;
後者則表明:你在過你自己的生活,做你自己的事情,你只為你自己……不過如果她想跟你一塊,也行。
後者能讓你表現出來不像個小屁孩。
那麼,我個人的意見呢,就是不要一開始就替女人掏錢。
It’s much better to allow her to like you and feel ATTRACTION for you without the distraction and expense.
如果你清楚「吸引」是怎麼運作的,你可以用你的肢體語言或者在交流當中激發它。錢是不必要的。
如果你想到你喜歡的地方去放鬆或者找樂子,邀請她加入你,而不要問你能否帶她去。
這會給她一種強烈的印象,真的。
——事情的另一面——
在我們討論的整個話題當中,包含著另一個「黑暗」面。
男人帶有一種態度,就是覺得(自己喜歡的)女人肯跟自己在一起,肯注意自己,那麼自己就有責任有義務(給她買東西)。
如果你同一個美女在一起,而她擁有眾多追求者,那麼你很容易陷入這種情緒當中,覺得「我要做得比他們更多,給她買更多的東西,把他們比下去」。
這種希望把自己「展現給她」的情緒,甚至在你剛認識她一會兒的時候就有了。
還有更糟的,不少 男人覺得,對方肯和自己約會甚至上床,便是自己欠她的。而吃飯、送禮,或者維持兩人的關係,便淪為一種還債行為。
You must realize that EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD want MORE than just "payment for their time".
漂亮女人經常會收到飯局、錢、禮物這類東西,你這樣跟風基本上是徒勞。
你知道,我在很多的地方談論「吸引」。吸引是一種強烈的情緒,使你發自內心的想同某個異性在一起。
典型的,男人看到美女時,就會被吸引。
女人心裡好比有一個「機關」,一個深諳此道的男人能夠觸發它,使女人被自己吸引住。
大多數男人不明白這它,看不到它,也不關心它。他們不去搞懂女人的心理(他們乾脆說:「女人就是搞不懂。」——譯者注),而是反反覆覆的去犯同一個錯誤,拿腦袋不停地去撞牆(以為能把牆撞破)。
他們還請女人吃飯,買給她們禮物,送花,試圖購買她們的注意力。根本用不著這樣!
如果你正在做這種事情,就當幫你自己一個忙,停手吧!
—————————————
附原文:
  I want to talk to you about a topic that is
always on the minds of men…
  It’s the topic of PAYING FOR THINGS FOR WOMEN.
  This includes paying for drinks and dinners,
buying her gifts and taking her out to shows.
  The question is: "Should I pay?"
  Most guys feel OBLIGATED to pay if they go out
with a woman on a date.
  Most guys feel COMPELLED to buy women gifts,
flowers, etc. and "take women out" to "show them a
good time".
  In fact, the "standard" approach for many guys
is simply asking a woman "Can I take you out
sometime?"
  Of course, there’s ALWAYS more than meets the
eye when it comes to these kinds of issues, and
this one is no exception.
  Take a moment and ask yourself this question:
  WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON HERE? WHY DO MEN USUALLY
BUY THINGS FOR WOMEN? WHAT’S THE REAL ISSUE?
  If you’re willing to be completely open and
honest about it, you’ll realize that most men:
1) Use dinners, flowers, gifts, and other "favors"
as bait and/or payment for women’s time and
attention.
2) Don’t feel deep down like an ATTRACTIVE woman
would want to be with them JUST BECAUSE SHE
ENJOYED THEIR COMPANY and felt ATTRACTION for
them.
3) Have no idea what the ACTUAL affect of trying
to lure women with these kinds of things is.
4) <MOST IMPORTANTLY> DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
  I can remember when I used to think that I
needed to always take a woman out, buy them
dinner, and pay for whatever I could think of to
get a woman’s attention.
  It was really a horrible feeling.
  The worst part was that the more nice things I
did for women when I first met them, the more
apprehensive and "standoffish" they seemed to act.
  It was almost as if they interpreted my actions
as ME TRYING TOO HARD, and they instinctively
played "hard to get" in response.
  The question of "Should I pay for dinner?" is
as old as dirt. So let me answer it with one of my
typical multi-part answers.
  And the first part of my answer is going to be
another question to YOU…
  WHY WOULD YOU PAY FOR A WOMAN’S DINNER?
  And for that matter, why would you buy gifts
and do favors for a woman that you just met and
don’t know?
  IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMETHING.
  And guess what?
  Attractive women are VERY perceptive. They can
usually size a guy up in a matter of SECONDS.
  She KNOWS what’s on your mind. And she’s going
to take all the clues you give her to decide how
much you like her… and how much of a WUSS you
are as well. (If you have a case of Wuss-itis, and
you literally can’t even approach a woman…
nevermind take her on a date, then you should
probably start by reading THIS:
http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/13338/OnBeingAMan/
  Now I’m going to throw you a real curve ball…
  I have friends, who are very good with women,
that take women to NICE dinners all the time. I’m
talking two hundred PLUS dollars for dinner and
drinks ALONE.
  I also have friends who almost NEVER take women
out for so much as a cup of coffee… yet they
have more women than they can handle.
  Is this possible?
  Are the guys who are buying dinner actually
SUCCESSFUL at bribing women with food?
  Or do both techniques work?
  Well, the interesting thing I’ve found – after
studying this topic for YEARS – is that most guys
who are REALLY GOOD with women have something in
common in this area.
  While some may buy expensive dinners for women,
and some may buy nothing, NONE of them use the
idea of paying for things as "bait" or "bribes" or
"obligation"…
  In other words, it’s the INTENTION behind the
actions that comes through loud and clear.
  My friends that take women on dates to
beautiful restaurants would be GOING THERE ANYWAY,
and they just happen to be taking the woman along
with them.
  Or if they open a bottle of expensive wine,
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN DRINKING IT THEMSELVES.
  I also have to mention here that all of the
guys I know in BOTH camps know how ATTRACTION
works, and how to make women feel attracted to
them REGARDLESS of whether or not they pay for
things.
  To explain this differently, women INSTANTLY
RECOGNIZE it when they’re dealing with a man who
feels the need to "buy her attention", and they
usually either play hard to get, or they just
leave.
  You can do anything and have it mean anything.
  There’s a way to say "You’re beautiful" and
have it mean "You’re not at all attractive", and
there’s a way to pay for things and NOT have it
say "I’m a needy Wussy who feels the need to buy
you things so you’ll like me".
  Get it?
  One of the problems that a lot of guys have is
the real-world issue of money.
  It’s expensive to take women out all the time.
  It’s expensive to buy flowers and drinks and
gifts.
  And if you’re single and dating a lot of women,
it can be out of the question to always be paying
for things.
  Well, the good news is that you don’t need to
pay for ANYTHING to be successful with women.
  And the other good news is that if you LIKE to
do nice things and go to nice dinners, THERE IS A
WAY to do these things with women and not give off
the "I don’t deserve you, so I’ll pay you for your
attention" vibes.
  Think about the following two ways to invite a
woman out to dinner with you:
1) "Can I take you out to dinner on Friday night?"
2) "I’m thinking of going to dinner on Friday at
one of my favorite restaurants, and you should
join me."
  What’s the difference?
  The difference is that the first way IMPLIES
that you are TAKING her to dinner.
  The second IMPLIES that you’re living your
life, doing your own thing, and being your own
person… and that if she’d like to come along,
she’s welcome.
  The second also doesn’t make you sound like a
WUSSY.
  So what’s my personal opinion of this whole
topic?
  Well, I don’t think it’s a good idea to start
off with a woman by PAYING for things.
  It’s much better to allow her to like you and
feel ATTRACTION for you without the distraction
and expense.
  If you understand how ATTRACTION works, you can
trigger it using your body language and
communication. No money required.
  Then, if you want to enjoy dinner or a drink at
one of your favorite places, INVITE HER TO JOIN
YOU.  Don’t ask her if you can "take her out".
  This will make a VERY powerful impression.
Trust me.
– THE FLIP SIDE OF THIS COIN…
  There is another "dark" side to this whole
conversation.
  It’s the idea that men feel OBLIGATED or
INDEBTED to a woman when the woman spends time
with them, gives them attention, etc.
  If you’re out with a beautiful woman who
OBVIOUSLY has many men who pursue her, it’s easy
to get into the mind set of "I have to do extra
things, buy her gifts, and go the extra mile to
compete with the other guys".
  Sometimes emotions come up that make you feel
like you want to "show her" how you feel for her
early on… after only knowing her a short while.
  OR EVEN WORSE, many guys feel like they OWE A
WOMAN SOMETHING BECAUSE SHE’S GONE OUT WITH THEM
AND/OR HAD SEX WITH THEM. And often, this
"something" is either "dinner and gift payments"
or a RELATIONSHIP.
  You must realize that EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN IN THE WORLD want MORE than just "payment
for their time".
  Attractive women have dinners, money, and gifts
thrown at them CONSTANTLY. You’re not going to do
ANYTHING to make her more attracted to you by
doing these things.
  As you know, I talk a lot about the concept of
ATTRACTION.
  ATTRACTION is the powerful sexual emotion that
you feel when you want to be intimately and
romantically involved with someone of the opposite
sex.
  Men typically feel it when they see a beautiful
woman.
  WOMEN typically feel it when they’re in the
presence of a man who knows how to communicate
with that part of her that triggers her ATTRACTION
"mechanism".
  Most guys either don’t know this, never figure
it out, or don’t pay attention to it.
  Instead of learning how women work, and doing
those things that will trigger her ATTRACTION,
they just make the same mistakes and beat their
heads up against the same walls over and over.
  And they do things like asking women out to
dinner, buying flowers and TRYING TO PAY for
attention.
  It doesn’t have to be this way!
  If you’re one of the guys who has been paying
for women’s attention all your life, then do
yourself a favor right now and STOP IT!

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